The birth story of Alice

I looked at the calender. Suddenly i realised it is already December. How fast!

A year, is it going to be a year soon? I had wanted a hundred times to write this entry, but yet put it off as many times for god knows reasons. As i whisked the photos in my computer today, i decided that i need to get this down to get a photographic memory of her; the birth story of Alice, my beloved second daughter.

It was 12 December 2010 (Sunday)...I didn't exactly remember what went through in the day until i was at my parents' house for dinner around 5pm. I was there with Bernice, hubby and maid and as every week's routine, Bernice had her home-cooked dinner there and playing with the maid while hubby lazed around watching TV. I chatted with my mother as usual until my father came home. My hubby, being a kind soul had certainly been buying dinner for my aged parents and me whenever we were at their place. He always "takes order" for us and made a quick trip for the food. That day however, my father being in his peculiar mood made unreasonable request for dinner and that drove my mother to extreme anger. They quarreled as fiercely as they could and finally before i knew it, i was screaming my lungs out with one hand holding my big pregnant belly to put a stop to it. Minutes later, i realised i was left alone with my argumentative parents. My hubby had left home in a flurry with Bernice and the maid as he could not tolerate the scene. After my parents had settled down, i left for home too.

Back home, still brooding over the unhappy event, the pain started coming in. Nothing horribly uncomfortable but some significant cramps that were semi-regular. The time was around 8.30pm. I thought it might be due to my unsettling stomach because i had a quick and not filling dinner. I rested for a while then i decided that i needed to take a shower around 9pm. By then, i had several cramps that were 15-20 minutes apart. Though this was my second pregnancy, i did not experience cramp pains before as my first born was induced. I wasn't sure they were the "real cramps" or others. I came out of the bathroom and began timing the intervals of the cramps. My due date was supposed to be a week later. In the meantime, i prepared my hospital bag. After half an hour, i could barely stand the pain and i knew i was in full swing and i needed to rush to the hospital. That was around 10.10pm. It was surreal, my hubby and i left bernice with my mum-in-law and we made our way to the hospital. I could barely walk when the contraction came like every 5 minutes.

While in the cab, it was so strange, it was so real and yet i felt that i had dreamed of that moment for so long. I just hit me. Wanting a second child, losing a pregnancy, getting pregnant. Many horrible days during the first trimester which i thought it was all ending with the frequent spotting and the many trips we made to the gynae's room just to see the little heartbeat. Waiting and preparing, finally rejoicing the last few weeks and waiting for the moment to see my baby. I could hardly hold the excitment. I will never forget how it feels like to have the baby in your stomach for the last few hours of your pregancy, you kept wanting to touch it so much.

When we reached the hospital, i could hardly walked and needed to be wheeled into the delivery room. I was quickly instructed to change into the hospital gown. Surprisingly it was the same nurse who attended to me 2 years back when i delivered Bernice. i slipped in the blue gown. i also realised i had a "show" (bleeding). It was 11pm. As i laid on the bed with my water bag burst and the contractions in full force, i still had to answer some general questions asked by the nurse such as drug allery, number of children i have etc. I could not really remember what she asked as i was in so much pain and i still had to answer her? Anyway i was told the Dr Tan was on his way and i begged for anesthesia to get in with an epidural as soon as possible. But, but, alas, the anesthetist was on leave and seeing me in such great pain, the nurse did a check and told me that i was 9cm dilated and it was too late for the epidural.

I was horrified! How could i endure the excruciating pain? For a moment i thought i was going to die, then hubby told me that if our mothers were able deliver babies without epidual, i could do it too! The one thing in my mind then was to get the baby out as soon as possible. I clasped in my fists whenever the contractions came on so often, "ow-ow-ow-ow'd" my way through it and cursed. At this time, Dr Tan came in, he quickly got dressed and he was ready. This was when things became hazy. It all just happened so fast. From the first contraction i experienced at home to lying down the hospital bed, this was it. With Bernice, it took forever, and here i was, everything in less than an hour's time after walking into this place,they were going to tell me to push. With each contraction coming in, the nurse and doctor told me to push. I grasped and i heard "One more push and you can see your baby". Oh it was so hard, i wanted to cry. I pushed. I pushed and finally i saw the tiniest little body came out of me, covered with cheese-like white goo all over her, lungs wailing. The time was 11.55pm. Dr Tan still joked that i had avoided the 13th. A search on the internet shows that this white stuff is call vernix. It covers the baby while it is in the uterus and protects it from being in fluid constantly. As baby's due date approaches the vernix starts to get rubbed off. Most full term babies don't have much left, that explained why Bernice did not have much when she was born.

They put her in my arms. I felt the warmth of her body. She is a lovely girl. The nurse put her on the weighing scale and the doctor proceed to stitched me up.


Fast Forward to 12/12/2011...

Alice turns one. I had her for 365 days already. It feels as though i had just brought her home from the hospital not too long ago. Many people around me keep telling me that she has not reached her development milestones for her age and she is too small and thin even for now. However i am not fazed by that as long as she is a healthy and happy girl.

Happy birthday, my sweetie.

180 Degree Transformation

That day as i rummaged through a pile of old documents in a cabinet at my workplace, i came across an old photograph of myself some 7 or 8 years back. One instant look at the photo, i was able to convince myself how radiant and fresh young-looking i was back then. Ok, i know i sounded thick-skinned but i must re-emphasized that i was indeed pleasant-looking at that time!

I remembered that this picture was taken in a lab in NUS which i was working in. Of course no make-up was worn and the clothes were of no fashion, most casual and crappy type. Yet i still looked quite alright overall. Then immediately i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is still long, but the texture is really bad now with those flyaways and over-processed, damaged look. My eyes seem to be much more droopy and lifeless with those horribe dark circles and i also notice fine lines around them. My cheeks are no longer as supple and radiant as before and they sunken like those of a shrunken old woman! I looked like a different person from the photo. I wonder if my 3-year-old will recognize me if i ever showed her the photo.

Then i came to terms that once a woman becomes a mum, she immediately carries the responsibility of looking after the little one who is looking up to her for protection, guidance and love. You no longer have the luxury time to doll yourself up, do manicures, meticulously squeeze out that pimple on your face or take long shower baths. You don't bother to suck in your tummy to fit into a tight dress. Everyday you will wear those loose tops just to hide that post-baby sagging tummy and who cares whether they are pretty or not so long as you feel comfortable. You now wear flats as it is easier to run after the toddler and safer to carry the little baby in your hands, minimizing the chance of falling on all fours. And who has time for make-ups when you can barely catch your forty winks?

Well, from time to time, i keep reminding myself that i need to maintain an "OK" look on a day to day basis despite what most people think that mommies do not really need to dress up (although there are still a number of hot mommies around). Till date i have not found a fashion style that really suits my post-natal body, lifestyle and budget yet. So, in the meantime, I think i will continue to look shabby since i am not a narcissist to begin with. It will probably take a long time before i start grooming myself again.

Pic of me 7 or 8 years back



Another pic of me when younger