In a Dilemma...

Just 2 months back, I was dying to have a second child after my second miscarriage. But today, I am so unsure. It seems to be such a straightforward thing, but yet extremely hard on many levels to reach a decision. To have? Or not to have?

Things to have baby no. 2:
1) Little Bernice will have a companion as she grows up (since she can't be left alone) so she can learn to love and care and to share things with. Will she?
2) I love babies, is so fun to watch them.

Things against baby no. 2:
1) I am so afraid to be pregnant. Not because of the unbearable symptoms that most preggers are concerned about, but the symptoms and conditions that I am not not able to control. I already had 2 failed pregnancies which were totally beyond me. I am phobia.
2) I am already 33 and should have the factory shut by now. My eggs will be deteriorating as compared in my twenties, so chances of success are not looking good, i think.
3) I am scared to have Bernice no.2! She is enough for me to handle, let alone 2 of the same kind. On the other hand, I am afraid the new baby will be a total contrast of Bernice in terms of her intelligence. Will I be lucky all the time?
4) I want some personal space for myself. Bernice is already taking up most of my free time, I cannot imagine a second one to add on, even if he/she is an easy one. But yet when i don't spend time with her, guilt swept over me. I wonder what's wrong.
5) I am finally regaining some forms of sanity/routines in my life since the birth of the little one. Have no wish to upset it again. Wonder if it is selfish of me.
6) The maid's contract is going to end in 10 months' time. MIL might not be able to cope looking after another baby alone.
7) I treasure the time spent and the special bond with Bernice that I never want to give up anything for it. I am afraid another baby will take away the special feeling I have for Bernice and vice versa.

7 unfavourable conditions against 2 favourable. The decision should be clear, but yet I am still in such a dilemma. What has got over me?

"Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining"

It seems that the flu bug or whatever bug has a liking for Bernice. Almost every month since she turned 6 months old, she has been down with the flu bug, once even with the Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease!

Last Tuesday, the little girl was hit again with an on-off spike fever for the next 5 days. Despite giving her nurofen and paracetamol, her temperature spiked to a peak of 39.5 degrees C during two of the nights. So in the morning we rushed her to the nearby paediatrician whereby we were told that she could be having a viral infection in the throat (her throat was very red) or it might be a dengue fever. In order to diagnose, she needs to have her blood tested, which means finding her tiny veins to poke through the needle! Hence, an arrangement was made and we brought her to the polyclinic at tampines on saturday. During the process, though I was not beside her (i was told to wait outside) I felt like crying to hear her pleading cries and screams, imagining her struggling, as I waited helplessly outside the door. After the test was done, we rushed back with the report to the paediatrician and she concluded that Bernice has a viral infection and that we just have to let it run its course. The lab result for the dengue fever will be out in a few days' time and we will be informed accordingly. Meanwhile we heaved a sign of relief knowing that it wasn't anything serious.

However during that night we noticed that she started to have some red spots around her forhead and face. The next day, more red spots appeared and soon her whole body, arms and legs were covered by them. We panicked and had her sent back to the paediatrician on monday morning. The paediatrician again concluded that the red spots look more like heat rash and that sometimes will appear after a fever. With antibiotic, she was sent home, but we were told to monitor the fever though it was low-grade, and that if it hasn't settle by thursday, she has to be admitted to the hospital.

Thank God that the fever has settled on the very same day and the little girl seemed more cheerful. The lab result for dengue has also shown negative. She is soon slowly gaining back her appetite and be her active self. Throughout this ordeal of her illness, I felt so inadequate each time I forced milk and medicine down her throat, to settle her cries during her sleep and seeing her looking all lifeless and sad.

Other that that, I just feel tired and drained looking after her, waking up at odd hours at night to manage her cries as well as to feed her medicine and check on her temperature. It is a new sense of vulnerability, feeling so helpless to see her in such discomfort and not getting better, something which I've not experienced before I became a mother. Luckily for me, I have a wonderful mother-in-law who is willing to help me take some of these burden.

All I wish for the little girl is for her to be well and happy and I am just trying my best to provide her with the space to grow, activities to learn and helping her grow up to be a well-adjusted, well-rounded happy kid.

Recently I've read something which pretty much described my feelings these days. Below is what I have summed up.

Be contented for happy moments,
Be brave during difficult moments,
Worship God at quiet moments,
Be thankful for every moment.

The Little Gal's Milestones

Now that my little gal, Bernice is already 13 months old, I thought it is time to write about her developmental milestones before they are all erased from my poor memory.

These days she has turned into an active toddler, and anything but the peaceful bundle she used to be. It seems only yesterday that we brought her home from the hospital wrapped in a baby blanket. The memories of making her sleep in order to feed her milk (becos she rejected milk if she was awake when she turned nearly 3 months old) is still so fresh. Now she will be all over the house, opening cupboards, drawers and cabinets and there has to have an object such as a pen, plastic spoon or some container in her hands. She also likes to climb up and down our king's size bed and to roll all over it which scare the hell out of me. Shaking violently our standing lamb and fan and giggles happily away is another one of her favourite playtime.

So, I better jot down some of these before I am to old to remember:

At 4 months: Had her first taste of solid food(rice cereal)

At 5 months: Sitting on walker

At 6 months: Sitting with support

At 7-8 months : Unsupported sitting

At 9 months: First teeth popped out

At 10-11 months: Supported walking(with minimal crawling)

At 12 months: Tentative walking, sometimes with one hand held

At 13 months: Walking well

Well, at this point of time, these are the tasks that she can perform well:

1) Obligingly wave good-bye and "blank kiss" when going home or others are going home. Do a "hi-five" when asked.

2) Pointing to lights and clock, hands and legs correctly when asked.

3) Able to call "Papa, Mama and Ah Ma, Cat Cat, Dog Dog, Milk Milk, Star Star."

4) Respond to simple questions and command, eg making gesture of "don't want" by means of waving her hand and saying "None"(actually should be "No", I think).

5) Scribble purposefully on paper with a pen/pencil.

6) Likes to push, throw and knock everything down.

7) Walks up and down the slope/staircase with her hand held

8) Recognizing and pointing to herself in the mirror.

9) Feeds herself with fingers, and also showing interest in feeding with spoons and forks.

10) Sit down on a small stool or chair.

11) Can cooperate a little with dressing by keeping still or lifting up her hands or legs with asked.

12) Likes to explore drawers and boxes to see what is inside.

13) Play side along others with or without interacting.

14)Resist bedtime, usually sleeps at 11-11.30pm.

So, that's my little girl. I hope to see her grow up soon, look forward to seeing her don her graduation gown, then i know i have fulfilled my duties as a mother. Yet i think i will miss her as she is now.. the forever active and mischievous girl. Whatever is the case, i still love her ginormously.

The Beginning

It has been 13 months now since my little munchkin arrived on 2 May 2008. It was then that I thought I should start a blog about her so that as i age, I can reflect on the little things that has happened.

However it wasn't until now that I managed to overcome my inertia to summon my motivation to just do it.. to create this blog. Perhaps it is because I always believe that I do not have the flair in writing, or maybe I am just plain lazy, or it might be that our daily lives are as most mundane as on earth, so nothing to blog about, or perhaps...but heck, I had started writing now.

Well, for a start, just a pic of me and my little terror, oops.. I mean princess.