The birth story of Alice

I looked at the calender. Suddenly i realised it is already December. How fast!

A year, is it going to be a year soon? I had wanted a hundred times to write this entry, but yet put it off as many times for god knows reasons. As i whisked the photos in my computer today, i decided that i need to get this down to get a photographic memory of her; the birth story of Alice, my beloved second daughter.

It was 12 December 2010 (Sunday)...I didn't exactly remember what went through in the day until i was at my parents' house for dinner around 5pm. I was there with Bernice, hubby and maid and as every week's routine, Bernice had her home-cooked dinner there and playing with the maid while hubby lazed around watching TV. I chatted with my mother as usual until my father came home. My hubby, being a kind soul had certainly been buying dinner for my aged parents and me whenever we were at their place. He always "takes order" for us and made a quick trip for the food. That day however, my father being in his peculiar mood made unreasonable request for dinner and that drove my mother to extreme anger. They quarreled as fiercely as they could and finally before i knew it, i was screaming my lungs out with one hand holding my big pregnant belly to put a stop to it. Minutes later, i realised i was left alone with my argumentative parents. My hubby had left home in a flurry with Bernice and the maid as he could not tolerate the scene. After my parents had settled down, i left for home too.

Back home, still brooding over the unhappy event, the pain started coming in. Nothing horribly uncomfortable but some significant cramps that were semi-regular. The time was around 8.30pm. I thought it might be due to my unsettling stomach because i had a quick and not filling dinner. I rested for a while then i decided that i needed to take a shower around 9pm. By then, i had several cramps that were 15-20 minutes apart. Though this was my second pregnancy, i did not experience cramp pains before as my first born was induced. I wasn't sure they were the "real cramps" or others. I came out of the bathroom and began timing the intervals of the cramps. My due date was supposed to be a week later. In the meantime, i prepared my hospital bag. After half an hour, i could barely stand the pain and i knew i was in full swing and i needed to rush to the hospital. That was around 10.10pm. It was surreal, my hubby and i left bernice with my mum-in-law and we made our way to the hospital. I could barely walk when the contraction came like every 5 minutes.

While in the cab, it was so strange, it was so real and yet i felt that i had dreamed of that moment for so long. I just hit me. Wanting a second child, losing a pregnancy, getting pregnant. Many horrible days during the first trimester which i thought it was all ending with the frequent spotting and the many trips we made to the gynae's room just to see the little heartbeat. Waiting and preparing, finally rejoicing the last few weeks and waiting for the moment to see my baby. I could hardly hold the excitment. I will never forget how it feels like to have the baby in your stomach for the last few hours of your pregancy, you kept wanting to touch it so much.

When we reached the hospital, i could hardly walked and needed to be wheeled into the delivery room. I was quickly instructed to change into the hospital gown. Surprisingly it was the same nurse who attended to me 2 years back when i delivered Bernice. i slipped in the blue gown. i also realised i had a "show" (bleeding). It was 11pm. As i laid on the bed with my water bag burst and the contractions in full force, i still had to answer some general questions asked by the nurse such as drug allery, number of children i have etc. I could not really remember what she asked as i was in so much pain and i still had to answer her? Anyway i was told the Dr Tan was on his way and i begged for anesthesia to get in with an epidural as soon as possible. But, but, alas, the anesthetist was on leave and seeing me in such great pain, the nurse did a check and told me that i was 9cm dilated and it was too late for the epidural.

I was horrified! How could i endure the excruciating pain? For a moment i thought i was going to die, then hubby told me that if our mothers were able deliver babies without epidual, i could do it too! The one thing in my mind then was to get the baby out as soon as possible. I clasped in my fists whenever the contractions came on so often, "ow-ow-ow-ow'd" my way through it and cursed. At this time, Dr Tan came in, he quickly got dressed and he was ready. This was when things became hazy. It all just happened so fast. From the first contraction i experienced at home to lying down the hospital bed, this was it. With Bernice, it took forever, and here i was, everything in less than an hour's time after walking into this place,they were going to tell me to push. With each contraction coming in, the nurse and doctor told me to push. I grasped and i heard "One more push and you can see your baby". Oh it was so hard, i wanted to cry. I pushed. I pushed and finally i saw the tiniest little body came out of me, covered with cheese-like white goo all over her, lungs wailing. The time was 11.55pm. Dr Tan still joked that i had avoided the 13th. A search on the internet shows that this white stuff is call vernix. It covers the baby while it is in the uterus and protects it from being in fluid constantly. As baby's due date approaches the vernix starts to get rubbed off. Most full term babies don't have much left, that explained why Bernice did not have much when she was born.

They put her in my arms. I felt the warmth of her body. She is a lovely girl. The nurse put her on the weighing scale and the doctor proceed to stitched me up.


Fast Forward to 12/12/2011...

Alice turns one. I had her for 365 days already. It feels as though i had just brought her home from the hospital not too long ago. Many people around me keep telling me that she has not reached her development milestones for her age and she is too small and thin even for now. However i am not fazed by that as long as she is a healthy and happy girl.

Happy birthday, my sweetie.

180 Degree Transformation

That day as i rummaged through a pile of old documents in a cabinet at my workplace, i came across an old photograph of myself some 7 or 8 years back. One instant look at the photo, i was able to convince myself how radiant and fresh young-looking i was back then. Ok, i know i sounded thick-skinned but i must re-emphasized that i was indeed pleasant-looking at that time!

I remembered that this picture was taken in a lab in NUS which i was working in. Of course no make-up was worn and the clothes were of no fashion, most casual and crappy type. Yet i still looked quite alright overall. Then immediately i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is still long, but the texture is really bad now with those flyaways and over-processed, damaged look. My eyes seem to be much more droopy and lifeless with those horribe dark circles and i also notice fine lines around them. My cheeks are no longer as supple and radiant as before and they sunken like those of a shrunken old woman! I looked like a different person from the photo. I wonder if my 3-year-old will recognize me if i ever showed her the photo.

Then i came to terms that once a woman becomes a mum, she immediately carries the responsibility of looking after the little one who is looking up to her for protection, guidance and love. You no longer have the luxury time to doll yourself up, do manicures, meticulously squeeze out that pimple on your face or take long shower baths. You don't bother to suck in your tummy to fit into a tight dress. Everyday you will wear those loose tops just to hide that post-baby sagging tummy and who cares whether they are pretty or not so long as you feel comfortable. You now wear flats as it is easier to run after the toddler and safer to carry the little baby in your hands, minimizing the chance of falling on all fours. And who has time for make-ups when you can barely catch your forty winks?

Well, from time to time, i keep reminding myself that i need to maintain an "OK" look on a day to day basis despite what most people think that mommies do not really need to dress up (although there are still a number of hot mommies around). Till date i have not found a fashion style that really suits my post-natal body, lifestyle and budget yet. So, in the meantime, I think i will continue to look shabby since i am not a narcissist to begin with. It will probably take a long time before i start grooming myself again.

Pic of me 7 or 8 years back



Another pic of me when younger

Parenting

There is someone who once told me that this blog of mine is full of gripes which made me look like an unhappy and sulking person. But that someone may not know that i am one who only like to pen down when i am downcast. I have tried to write about happy things but without much success. I tend to take happy moments for granted, rant in this blog when i feel rotten as it is a place where i can pour my heart out without any disdain or comments. However the lapse of a few months for deserting this blog was not because only happy things happened but i was just too fatigue and not in the mood to write about anything.

Sometimes, i feel so suffocated, irritated, lonely and stressed as the main summation of my emotion. And everytime when this happens, i can feel the little one tumbling inside my tummy. I seriously hope the culprit would be the pregnancy blues or perhaps my freaking varicose veins that bulge and hurts like nobody's business.

My heart aches each time after i took it out on XH whenever i feel totally flustered. At 28 months old, XH can be whining and making senseless fuss over nothing. She is often making a din after waking up from her afternoon nap and be rude to me when i had just wanted to pacify her. Her fire-spitting tantrums from time to time can indeed pissed me off. Daddy's method of disciplined would be giving her a good beating till she stops. But i am not totally supportive of this. However when my patience wears off, I still yell at her to stop followed with a light slap on her thigh or hand. The result? She shrilled even louder than me and hit me hard with all her might. The irritated me would threw dirty glare at her and told her crudely,"You better stop now!" By now, XH would cry and opened her tiny arms to signal me to carry her but only to have me shaked her off childishly. But soon, guilt would have swept over me. At times, the thought of one demised mother whose baby barely turned 1 year old when she passed away suddenly would flash on me (She was someone i know whom i am not so close to). This mother must had so much willing to carry her baby and watch her grow up into a child whose face will lit up even with those nonsensical behaviour. Does it really need a sudden death to happen before we start to learn? I know i sounded so morbid.

I understand that kids will need a lot of time and effort from the parents. They have to be guided, corrected and encouraged. It is believed that there are no child born to be terrible, but just results from ineffective parents.

Parenting, is really no easy feat.

This video below from youtube is quite touching which i thought. It reminded me that parents have to do what they have to do, even though the outcome of their doings may not be cherished. That is perhaps the price of parenthood!

Random things in the past weeks

Some witty/funny remarks from XH (in her exact words):

Scenario 1:

We were waiting for the train at the MRT platform.
XH (in sudden earnest thoughts, then pointed to the lift next to her) : Lift spoiled...
Me and papa (turned to her direction and indeed we saw a sign that says " Lift under repair". Our eyes wide in amazement) : Ya, lift spoilt :O

Scenario 2:

XH: Mummy, come! I do massage. You lie down. Then she proceed to push me down onto the bed.
Me: Ah, you do massage for me?

XH: I do massage for you (with her tiny hands patting and stroking my back).

Me: Emm... so nice...

XH: Nice? You sleeping ah?

Me: (pretend to be sleeping) yes...

XH: (paused for a while) i stand...and she stepped on my back and jerked around happily.

Me: Aiyo....no...

XH: She lost her balance and fell onto the bed, and she giggled away almost instantly.

Scenario 3:

Me: How old are you?
XH: (full of zeal) 2 year old, 2 year old!
Me: What is your name?

XH: Nei Pu Pu, haha...

Me: -_-

Scenario 4:
Me: Now, you count after me. Yi, er, san...si, wu, liu...qi, ba jiu... shi (1-10 in chinese)

XH: Yiii, er, san...wu, ba, jiu...shhhhi! Hahaha!* Breaks out in madcap laughter*

Scenario 5:

We were out in the shopping centre. XH came face to face with another girl of about her same age. Both were looking at each other silently.
XH: (Went closer and closer to the girl and finally she broke the silent and spoke softly,) Tan Xin Hui...

Me (in my thoughts): She wanted to introduce herself. So cute. :)

Scenario 6:
Papa: If you still don't want to sleep, the police uncle will come. (Then he pretends to be the police uncle and knocks on the bedroom door). *Knock, Knock*
XH: (Glanced out of the ajar door). No police uncle, that one papa lar!
Papa and Me: :O

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

I presume that all toddlers will develop an affinity for animals at some point of time and will probably have a favourite animal of their own. Well, XH i thought for once fall under the "non-conventional" category since she doesn't seem to like any animals, be it soft toys or others. But recently, she has developed a liking for a soft toy tiger which we bought for only $2 at a pasah malem during chinese new year. Everything that she does, she includes the tiger in. When she eats her cereal or porridge, she feeds the tiger. When she drinks milk and water, she feeds it. Even when she bathes, she wants to bathe the tiger too (of course i stopped her). Inevitably she must sleep with the tiger every night. And she insists on taking a photo with the tiger daily before bedtime. Haha... Here is a picture of her and her favourite tiger of now.

Blessings

I wonder if i am the only parent who constantly face a power struggle between myself and my child. Recently, XH has becomes really whiny. Maybe she knows what is right or wrong, but she is determined to stand her ground and refuses to be bossed around. Of course she has her own free will too. While i know that what i am doing as a parent is good for her, to make her feel secure and happy, it is really energy sucking when she is defiant and throw tantrums.

Examples of the common: Told her not to touch this and she grabs it tight in her hands. Well, the forbidden fruit is priceless. While i try to explain the reason why and offered another item to her, she rejected and started to whine.

Another example is when i bathe her. She will continue to play in the bathroom and let the water run non-stop even when she is done with her shower. And when i try to coax her to stop, she scowls with lips pouted. I had to pull her out and so she started her crying and kicking again. While i know that such struggle would put a crack in the relationship with my child if it is extended over a period of time, i find it hard to always nurture a loving relationship with her though i am aware that it should be the first and foremost. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

However i am still so thankful to God for bringing XH into our lives, despite the challenging conditions i have to face while she was in my womb 2 years ago. I can vividly recollect since the day i became preggy, i have to visit the gynae's clinc every week for 3 months instead of the normal monthly visit to get my constant supply of hormone pills and injections and utrasound scans just to stabilise the foetus. I lived in fear every other day that i might lose her due to spotting and bleeding or other missing symptoms. I was so relieved and delighted on the day i delivered her.

So isn't this contrary that when our kids were still zygotes or foetuses in our bodies, we prayed hard for a healthy baby. When they were born, we fret about how naughty and defiant they are, sigh and be discontent when they are not behaving well or the way we want them to be. Hmm, i think it is time for us to count our blessings instead of woes at times like that.

I love my baby so much. For now i learn to cherish every simple little moment in life with her that are so easily forgotten, before she grows up quickly right before my eyes.

The Tot's Act of late

Ever since XH (in short Bernice) fell sick 2 weeks ago, with upper respiratory tract infection, she fusses over every single little thing. She will start wailing for hours with all her might for no particular reason, leaving me drained of all strength. And the worst of all is she doesn't want to let daddy console or carry her, she only wants ME! Imagine coming back from a day's of work, dead from my feet, i have to deal with her hysterical cries, incessable tantrums and whatever nonsense she threw at me. I get screamed at her frequently and "tortures" me for her own amusement. And late at night, i am not able to have restful sleep. She yells out of a sudden when she is already asleep and continues till her tears dried up! I endure the day with only that 3-4 hours of sleep every night. Sometimes i really wish that i can cast her aside, yet i know that i am responsible for her life, her well-being. For now, my love for her is unconditional, nobody has yet made me feel that way. I swear i will give my life for her.

x x x x x x x x

On a happier note, sometimes, when i look at XH, i think she is actually a 20 year-old adult trapped in a tiny 20-months old's body. =_= For example:

When she sees that there are bits and pieces of tissues on the floor, she sweeps the floor till it is spick-and-span, carefully emptying all the contents in the dustpan into the dustbin.

She is too observant for her age, pointing to a tiny mango hanging from a big mango tree outside our house. She notices light flashing from the headlight of a bicycle from a far distance.

She directs me to her lost pillow lying beside a camouflaged toy in the store room.

She improvises new lyrics and tunes to songs to suit new occasion. She sings: Rain, rain, go "gai gai" take umbrella.. when actually it should be Rain, Rain, go away, come again another day. Another one is : London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my friend uncle?!

When she sees that my hair turns messy, quickly she grabs a comb and comb through my hair. After that she says :"nice, nice." :D

Honestly, sometimes i don't know what to say about her (-_-)

The Day of A SAHM

Last week, as mum-in-law went for a one week holiday, i had to take leave to look after the little munchkin. It was then that i realised how being a SAHM (aka stay-at-home-mum)was like. Strangely, it wasn't the first time i took long leave to look after my baby, but i totally felt different this time round. There are many misconceptions about stay home mummies. First and foremost, i do not have the luxury of time. The day goes like this:

8.00am-9.00am: The little terror wakes up crying (9 out of 10 times). Console and cuddle her for about 15 mins to settle her.

9.30am: I brushed my teeth and wash up before making her cereal to eat. Went after her in order to feed her while she uses her boundless energy to play.

10.00am: Bring her out for morning walk downstairs, sometimes to the playground (if weather permits).

10.45am: Shower her and dress her (dressing her takes a toil too). Prepare ingredients for maid to cook lunch.

11.00am: Engage in playing toys or ball or sings to her.

11.30-12.00pm: Make her milk and feed her. Continue with play.

1.00pm: She takes her nap which i rejoice much. Yippee! I sort out bills that need to be paid, and whatever that needs to be done. Cut the little girl's nails(bcos she doesn't let me do it when she's awake), take my lunch, shit, rest by indulging in some TV watching or surfing the net and taking a catnap if the little one still hasn't wake up.

2.30pm-3.00pm: (depending on the duration of her sleep) Wakes up crying (again 9 out of 10 times). Make her milk and feed her.

3.30pm: Playtime again. Bring out her box of toys for her to explore and play. She roams round the house with me stalking her. I also start preparing her dinner.

4.30pm: Bring her out for nature walk in the park near our house, and to the playground. She runs, climbs, goes down the slides, looks at the water in the drain (i don't know why she likes it so much) and whatever she wants to do, all with me chasing after her!

5.30pm: Bring her home and clean her up lightly.

6.00pm: Feed her dinner (with cajoling).

6.30pm: Shower and change her.

7.00pm: The family goes out for dinner and do a bit of shopping.

9.30pm: Come home, make her milk and feed her. Sometimes the little girl falls asleep after finishing her milk, otherwise she roams the house with or without toys till she feels sleepy.

10.30pm: Tuck her into bed and change her diapers. She usually falls asleep by 11.00pm to 11.30pm (depending on how active she is).

11.00pm: I do whatever chores that needs to be done such as washing milk bottles, measuring out milk formula into container and packing up the toys left behind by the little girl. Wash up to prepare to go to bed.

11.30pm: Collapse into my beloved bed. Lights out.

2.00am-4.00am: Awake by her sudden cries (not all times). Get up to settle her cries , otherwise the following continue.

6.00am: Make her milk and feed her while she is sleeping.

6.30am: I go back to bed and the whole cycle repeats.

I used to think that a SAHM can do anything they like becos they have all the time at home to do what they want to do but i was so wrong. And to think that i have already minus off the housework and cooking becos i have a helper, if not i think i would end up dead.

Till now, i am sure that i am not ready for this 24/7 kind of committment yet. I am always trying to be a good mummy but how to define a really good mummy, i seriously don't know. So being a working mum is still a better choice for me. SAHM maybe when i am rich enough to be a tai-tai or morphed into an "obasan."


However her cheery smile takes away my fatigue at the end of the day :)